How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
