Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
