GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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