I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
