It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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