swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
