My sheets look like a crime scene.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
