Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
