Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish life had little blips of pornography
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
