there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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