I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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