Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
