i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
