My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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