I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
