make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
