her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
