and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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