Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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