Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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