Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
