You can't motorboat a personality
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Randomize
