so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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