at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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