he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
