did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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