Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
