life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
