There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
