in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
