i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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