This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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