I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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