if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
