My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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