I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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