Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
