the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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