my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
