dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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