you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
