you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
