So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
