if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
