i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
