Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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