Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
