so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
