I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
