I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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